The Girl Who Fell From the Sky

The Girl Who Fell From the Sky

I land in the tin bath
My little hands splash water
Over my beaten body
I try to cleanse myself
Of my father’s
Unspeakable horror

Will the water do well?
Will it wash the pain away?
Will the blood stop flowing?
I am not the body
I am wearing the body
I am dead

I want to go home
I do not belong here
There must be a mistake
I am a child of Sirius
Beneath the stars
My heart burns, and burns

I shut myself up
Disappear inside
This small dark planet
Food becomes
An obsession
I eat more, and more

If one day he kills me
Somehow I will live
And love
He will never take my soul
I will grow up
I will survive

Buried within 
Lies the star-child
I make food my thing
To keep him out
A protection
So men won’t look

I will not be a woman
Neither will my mother
Starve, binge, no difference
All hands off!
I need the fat
To look after me

Wasted mother
Foul Lady Macbeth
Who plotted
And schemed
While the General ate his children

Like a child
The body speaks only truth
To the Great Mother
She who bequeaths
Timeless stardust
Frees the Black Madonna

In mid-life
My body takes centre stage
Slowly I remove
Athena’s breastplate
I become receptive
I move into my feminine body

I cut a course
Wind and water
I find the middle way
The hunger has disappeared
I trust my animal body

I sing, I dance
I put my mind
Back into my body
I come out of incubation
And surrender my body
To love

Listen star-child
Hush your tears
My body is a temple
Back off fat animus!
No walking parody
Of a woman here

My hunger for life
Has returned
I am ready to meet
The opposites
To yield to the Goddess

I stand in the holy bath
The fragrance
Of a wild rose
A rose in her vase
White light
Illuminating the blackstar

Copyright © Deborah Gregory 2016

22 thoughts on “The Girl Who Fell From the Sky

  1. Strong and powerful words Deborah. I applaud you for coming out the other end such a strong and well rounded individual, with a compassionate and understanding heart that beats for love and beats for clarity. Well done you. Xxx

    1. Bathsheba, you write like the true poet you are! Thank you so much for your wonderful response here to my latest poem and for all your beautiful, kind-hearted words. I’m truly humbled and delighted that you enjoyed this one. Much love, the Star-Girl! xxx

  2. I have no words to describe how insightful, powerful, and inspirational this poem is. So far, this is my favorite piece. I’m sure I will come across even more favorites but this one…

    I am not the body
    I am wearing the body
    I am dead

    So incredibly and succinctly put. The way we can distance ourselves when coping with a trauma. And it was so powerful reading the journey of love and acceptance, stanza after stanza. I applaud the bravery of this piece. I admire you even more than I already did after reading this. Thank you for sharing!

    Best of Wishes-Lindsey V.

    1. Thank you so much Lindsey for your beautiful, whole-hearted reply. Cutting off from my body was the only way I felt I could cope as a child. As I grew up I endeavoured to ‘train’ myself not to feel the brutal pain being inflicted. I had no idea I would suffer years later from the consequences of learning how to disconnect from my body at such a young age.

      This poem, literally tumbled out of me, each of the 15 stanza’s poured through my pen. I tried to keep it short, but this poem wasn’t having any of that. A journey of love and acceptance indeed and on topic with my ‘Animus diet’ which I hope to write about soon. Loved your latest article on ‘BURNToast,’ excellent writing! Warm greetings, Deborah.

  3. Dear Deborah
    Is this a new poem? I don’t seem to remember it from your book. It’s amaaaazing – such a journey! So much suffering and, yet, so much strength. To know you have found a loving family is a huge relief. Some who are abused, sadly, go on to abuse their own offspring – such a desperate spiral of violence and pain. In contrast, this beautiful poem shows an upward arc (a fully conscious woman) soaring into the light of self-transformation and rebirth (the bath tub and water being reminiscent of the womb from which one is born). This poem was hugely touching and emotive to read, although I must say the lines “Back off fat animus. No walking parody of a woman here” make me chuckle and I got that feeling I get when I watch the tide turning in Hollywood movies and finally it’s going the protagonist’s way, so I was cheering you on with: “Good for you girl! Go for it!”
    Love & blessings, Sam 🙂

    1. Dear Sam, thank you so much for your beautiful, kind-hearted reply! I am truly humbled by your wondrous gift of words. Yes, a recently penned poem which flowed out after hearing the sad news that Bowie had died. Something inside let go and the Girl Who Fell From the Sky, landed. Although the words came out of the blue that morning I have long since stopped trying to understand my creative process because I guess I’ll never fully know why this certain poem came, and why now?

      I love when you write about this poem being ‘an upward arc’ and ‘consciousness.’ I’m certain there’s a soul connection between my conscious/unconscious love of taking a bath. Ah! You read me so well with my ‘Back off fat animus’ lines, as this is something I’m wrestling with right now which I’m calling ‘The Animus Diet’ and hope to write about it soon. Thank you so much once again for all your inspiring support with my poetry and other writings. A thousand blessings, and more. Deborah. 🙂

  4. Deborah, this is extraordinary. Each moving verse is expertly crafted. Once again you turn the lights on in poetry heaven – holding up a fiery torch to unlit caverns within. You touch places I didn’t know were within me. Shine on, starchild. Sparkle.

    1. Ah! Your beautiful reply comes in the form of a poem itself! Thank you so much Picasso for making another journey through the stars, truly appreciated. Happy writing dear poet. Much stardust, Deborah.

  5. I am deeply honored to read this poem and know the suffering child, the courageous young woman who insisted on life, and the wise woman who is becoming whole.

    I can’t imagine horrors such as these, but I know it happens to so many. I shudder and yet I’m proud of the strength you found to survive and heal. My heart breaks for those mothers who are so beaten by the darkness of patriarchy that they cannot protect their children.

    What a relief and joy when you open to Divine Mother in her light and dark aspects and find your way back to the beauty of embodied love. Thank you, Deborah. I’m astounded as I compare the bath in the first stanza to the bath in the last. You have moved a great distance and you dare to share it with the world. I bow to you.

    1. Dear Elaine, thank you so much for your beautiful, heartfelt reply. I am deeply touched by your loving-kindness. Naturally, it was both a joy and a sorrow to write this poem. In your own words you express well the suffering and anguish of many mothers who … ‘beaten by the darkness of patriarchy (they) cannot protect their children.’

      Although my personal mother couldn’t love or protect me, I feel blessed to have met ‘other’ more nurturing mothers in my life including great therapists, deep enriching friendships and a new family that literally threw their arms open to me … after a few months, I soon got used to those warm, loving hugs, and in return my own heart opened wider than I thought possible.

      It wasn’t until mid-life that I encountered the Great Mother herself, although, on reflection I guess she’s been there all along. ‘The beauty of embodied love’ … Oh that’s such a beautiful, poetic portrayal of the process! I remember that tin bath clearly, I think it was in there that I first become conscious and heard myself thinking for the very first time. Love and blessings, Deborah

  6. These words are such a testament to your soul, your inner strength and self belief…how one person can overcome a horrendous early life to eventually shine as a bright star and the struggles that journey entails…this is all so beautifully expressed here. ” A child of Sirius” – since reading Chariots of the Gods in my 20’s it kind of strengthened my belief that we come from Sirius. I had memories when I was small but sadly they faded over time yet I still know deep down that is a home to be returned to.
    Your use of food physically and spiritually strikes such a chord – I thought I would fit in more if I was thin yet I was also punishing myself…now, as I have grown into the middle years I just eat well but healthily to feed my soul not starve it, so, I cant wait for your piece on the Animus Diet! I think mine needs to go on a strict one!
    I have to comment on your very effective references to Bowie – he was and still is my hero – from the age of 11 to right now, ever changing artist, his music once saved my life…literally and so his death was so sad…but what a legacy he left in Blackstar – it is indeed sublime and perfectly rounds off your words too.
    Thank you Deborah

    1. I feel truly blessed and most fortunate to have you, ‘Sophia’ whose name means wisdom (of course you know that already!) leave such a beautiful, and generous comment on my poem … thank you so much dear friend. Please know that your kind-hearted gift of words is warmly received. I only wrote this poem a couple of days ago, initially I thought it was a bit long at fifteen verses but, as ever, the poem refused to be shortened! David Bowie, he will live forever, and ever.

      Although I’ve definitely heard of the book I’ve never read ‘Chariots of the Gods’ but will check out the reviews on Amazon. Re: Sirius, I believe that millions of us down here on planet blue refer to the stars as home and live with that deep longing to return. I’ve always been fascinated by the night skies and remember my own longing ‘to return.’ Here’s an interesting article I recently found online that you might find interesting:

      The very ‘thinness’ to which countless (zillions of) women go along with creates such deep destruction, and disorder to each person’s own mind-body-spirit connection. Although the woman outwardly is seen as slim … she seems totally unaware that in the meantime, her fat animus is swelling up inside, big time! ‘Feed my soul, not starve it’ that’s so well expressed. Yes, I hope to write more about this soon, once I’ve followed my own ‘Animus diet’ for a bit longer. Warm blessings, Deborah.

  7. Well, I am speechless Deborah. Thank G.d your flame burns brightly in spite of its early dimness. I had goosebumps as I read it and now as I write. I’ve also shared it on social media as it is not only beautifully written but addresses fundamental issues from your own experience. I can feel the layering and the uncovering … and the lode star shining through, shining through, shining through … and the rose and its fragrance and beauty enfolding you.

    Thank you, beautiful woman.

    1. Thank you so much Susan for your wonderful comment, truly appreciated and for sharing this poem with others. Am weeping and typing with joy for the Lodestar, Polaris means so much to me. I have felt ‘guided’ by that star all my life … if that makes any sense at all. I felt so moved by your last post and hopeful that one-by-one-by-one we can indeed walk this world back to happiness, and love. Warmest of greetings, Deborah.

  8. Oh. My. God. Deborah, you continue to stun and amaze me. The horror of your abuse. The strength and resilience of your soul. The power of your will to survive. The determination to transcend your childhood wounds. The courage to face your pain. The willingness to end the blame. The wisdom to take responsibility for your healing. I could go on and on. I’m humbled and profoundly inspired by your magnificent transformation. I’m sharing this with everyone I know. Blessings, Jeanie

    1. Dear Jeanie, I am deeply touched by your kind-hearted, and compassionate reply. Thank you so very much. Please know that your beautiful gift of words today are treasured and have been gathered with love. Heart-to-heart. A thousand and one blessings to you my dear friend! I feel like a poet with few words in this moment yet I know my heart is full, and singing … for is life not a dead song, without love. Much starlight, Deborah.

  9. Amazing. Like Claire, I skimmed the book and couldn’t find this poem. Each symbolic, eloquent and expressive verse provokes different emotions. I admire your fierce, loving determination to not only survive but thrive. Every woman who punishes her body with a strict diet should read this poem. It’s great that you recognise spiritual hunger and don’t confuse it with physical hunger. For my part, I’m one of those under-eaters, terrified to put weight on, terrified of becoming a woman? Can you say more about that please? All the best, Liz.

    1. January is always a good time to write about the body so I will definitely look into writing more on the subject of ‘becoming a woman’ within the next couple of weeks or so. ‘Becoming a woman’ is something I’m redefining for myself right now. In the meantime I highly recommend any/all books by the late Jungian Analyst, Marion Woodman whose incredible, rich work on the subject on ‘Feminine Consciousness’ is simply outstanding!

      You see at the moment I’m trialling my own ‘Animus diet’ and look forward to letting others know all about that soon. I’m hoping to be able to help others with a new way of looking at what they eat … and we’re not talking physical food! Yes, yes you’re on it! ‘spiritual hunger’ indeed. Thank you so much for your great comment Liz, I’m so pleased you enjoyed this poem, it was one of those, all of a sudden poems that flowed a couple of days ago. Warm greetings, Deborah.

  10. Deborah, this is FANTASTIC!!! I LOVE the picture!!
    I don’t know how you write these poems, there’s so many levels to this one.
    I quickly flicked through your book and couldn’t find this poem??!!
    Is this a new write?? Wowee…. .love how the end echoes Bowie and his blackstar.
    Your words hit a real nerve. I think I keep myself skinny on purpose so men aren’t interested. That way I can get on with being a mom. No time for a relationship, I’m way too busy!
    “I shut myself up/Disappear inside/This small dark planet”
    Many people do this don’t they! My friend’s dad used to shut her up as a child in a small dark cupboard….. now she’s doing the same with her body, locked herself up inside it.
    “Starve, binge, no difference/All hands off!” .…I couldn’t of said it any better Deborah!! People don’t get that do they.
    Reading this makes me think maybe 2016 will be the year I become a woman?!! But I just don’t know where to start..I know I’m not alone.
    I don’t know who Lady Macbeth is but having read your other “Mother” poems, I kinda get the picture.
    I smiled at the end when I read, “A rose in her vase” ahh! just right I thought….
    what a journey you’ve taken star-girl!!!

    1. Thank you so much Claire for your wonderful comment, truly appreciated. There’s so much to say … yes, New Year, new poem I thought! I’m so pleased that this one spoke to you (and that you read it through, as it’s a longer one). I appreciate your honesty and insight re body issues. I can’t speak for others but know that when I have been either too fat/thin my interest in sexual relationships has waned significantly. Ah! You read me well, that’s most insightful about your friend being locked inside a cupboard as a child, and now as an adult, inside her own ‘fat’ body … very sadly this makes perfect sense.

      Bowie; Poet, Hero, Rock Legend and Star-Man … Oh my Goddess how I love him, only really discovering his music much later in my life. I deeply relate to his poetic, lyrical genius. I am fortunate to have all his music, if you haven’t heard his last album Blackstar, its sublime! Briefly, Lady Macbeth is a character in one of Shakespeare’s plays, ‘Macbeth.’ Essentially she’s a cunning, deceptive woman who pushes her husband to murder the King (Duncan). Ha-ha! ‘Star-girl’ I like that, a lot! Apologies for my delay in responding, work-wise January is my busiest month of the year. Blessings always, Deborah.

      1. Deborah, it doesn’t matter when you reply, I understand busy!!
        I can’t wait to read more on the animus diet, never heard of that! and how it’s going..actually to be honest, I’m more than curious.
        I did google LM to read her character. Not nice was she.
        Love all your replies! 🙂

        1. Many thanks for your continual support, encouragement and understanding Claire! Yes, for sure will let you know how my ‘Animus diet’ is going soon. 🙂

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